Monday, May 5, 2008
i hit emo rock-bottom & broke down again juz now on the bus... 2nd time already since this sem started... usually i juz hit emo... but the extreme is breaking down... the early time i broke down this sem, i called pakwing... dunnoe why... but i juz did...
thankz for being there ah gek! but this time i kinda juz kept to myself... maybe coz i wanna juz like train myself... coz i guess next year ard this time... i wouldn't be in SG anymore... but most probably alone at Perth... if all goes according to plan... or rather my parent's plan...
i dun really noe wad broke me down... juz how much reality hit me when i still can't do my tutorials... or that im really alone on the bus rides now... or how much i juz miss some crappy chats... up till now i still can't figure it out... i wanted to walk ard at the pasar malam at amk juz now... but i juz realised it ended yesterday... hiazzzz... i was waiting for my 76 after alighting from 74... then i guess the emo-ing juz kinda got worse... even chiat lin on the bus tat juz pass by can sms me lor "y so emo at the busstop..." din noe wad to reply... so i juz typed "Emo jiu emo lor..."... probably tatz wad prompted me to sms pakwing... "T.T... I cannot believe i emo-ing again..."... then he replied "You alrite?"... but i only could reply him "U noe wad... i seriously dun noe..."... i guess he figured nt to sms me back, some space cld do me a lil gd... i don't know why.... but every single bus tat passed by... i kinda felt that i was looking for someone who was gonna alight from one of the buses... i guess i din't meet tat someone before i got onto my 76... coz my mood din change from then at all... after alighting from 76... i decided to walk home... only tat i din exactly go home... i went walking... juz walking on and on... it juz seemed that the walking din hurt my sprained foot at that time... so i juz kept walking... till i reached hm ard slightly pass 8... must have walked ard the estate at least 2-3 times... since i left sch at ard 5.30pm...
skipped my dinner abit and went to shower... ended up juz eating a slice of home-made pizza.... took near one and a half hrs juz to eat tat slice... really no appetite... was reading through the msn message history with pakwing while eating... thought it might cheer me up a lil... since our chats in yr 1 was really very crappy... usually started and ended with us trying to kill each other... there was tons of nice memories stored in there... esp yr 1... then slowly... the conversations juz got drifted apart... more and more it looked like i was chatting with myself... no more cursing and swearing... no more shooting each other down... i guess... we juz kinda made our conversations
mature... no more kidding ard... or more like no more time to kid ard... time is running out... next sem is attachment... i need to pull myself together... no more time to be playing ard anymore...
letter to self
Dear Samantha Then Hui Ting,
plz buck up... u don't have anymore time to be goofing abt... u've been doing that already for the pass 4 sems... leave the last 2 sems for working... alrite? look ard u... ppl are getting GPA of 3 pts and above... something which u have only gotten once... ppl are also comparing As and ADs... something which you have only gotten Once! not even the AD... only the A... how to pull up to at least a 3.3 har!!! u think u superman har... look at those ard u... they can at least do their tutorials... can u?? u can't even get pass question 1 anymore... u are nt to walk ard aimlessly again... u will only waste precious time... which u are badly in need of now... u need to start mugging! something which u only do during study wk... and see where it got u exactly... no more gaming... no more anime... no more going out or chatting... now wad matters is ... Hm--> do tutorials --> study... no more others... done...
regards,
...sam...
"And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cuz I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cuz sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight...
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive...
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am"
"Iris" by Ronan Keating
~11.45pm~
Just The Girl @
8:50 PM
i hit emo rock-bottom & broke down again juz now on the bus... 2nd time already since this sem started... usually i juz hit emo... but the extreme is breaking down... the early time i broke down this sem, i called pakwing... dunnoe why... but i juz did... thankz for being there ah gek! but this time i kinda juz kept to myself... maybe coz i wanna juz like train myself... coz i guess next year ard this time... i wouldn't be in SG anymore... but most probably alone at Perth... if all goes according to plan... or rather my parent's plan...
